It’s so cute, she will sometimes take a hard boiled egg and put it in her mouth, then she’ll take a pack of mayonnaise and squeeze it in her mouth. She calls it a “mayonegg.”
3 years ago[Note: don’t read into this; this shit has nothing to do with me or my barren, drama-free love life ho ho ho happy holidays.]
Can I offer a little bit of advice? Maybe just put on my rantypants for a minute? This whole “opposites attract” thing? I’ve been meaning to bring this up: life is not a fucking tween vampire book or a movie in which Freddie Prinze Jr. ends up singing Al Green slowjamz to you using a spoon as a microphone (or drinking a bottle of shampoo — please don’t expect me to believe you didn’t spend your formative teenage years basing your expectations on the outcomes of movies like Down to You and Can’t Hardly Wait). I mean, we all realize it just doesn’t work like that, right? Vanessa and Nate — then Jenny and Nate — Serena and Dan … no. In real life, well, you know how everyone is all like, “Really? Her?” when George Michael Bluth speaks glowingly of Anne? That’s kind of how it is — except no, you’re right, sorry: you shouldn’t care what other people think; that wasn’t my point with the Arrested Development reference. I think my point is this: dude, are you really chasing this particular individual who is SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM YOU in every conceivable way for the right reasons? Because I don’t know what those “right reasons” might be, but I can tell you what they are not: 1. The challenge. 2. Proving a point. 3. “Rescuing” a girl who has fallen in with the wrong crowd, as they say. 4. SETTLING.
I’m not going to bring up the fact that about a year ago today I was dating The Worst Person Ever (TM), whose affinity for anime and inability to speak about anything but Medical School (a proper noun, as it was the holiest of holy entities to him) somehow appealed to me — though my best friend and I did enjoy taking part in a fucking OBSESSIVE Googling mission in which we hoped the numerical markings and physical descriptions of two pill capsules that fell on the floor of my room would unearth something revolutionary about this kid (turns out, he fucked someone else which, incidentally, had nothing to do with those pills and also meh). Aside from that, the majority of that relationship-esque-thing made me want to claw my eyeballs out and I’m fairly certain I never really spoke actual words to him since he was always going on about his Medical School admissions process, so I could have been a Real Doll and it would not have made much of a difference to him. But it’s like, that shit was called settling because I wanted to have a boyfriend for the holiday season and a dude in the ol’ beddy bed, not “opposites attract oh look how our different passions and worldviews complement each other.” I mean, I’m a romantic (lord knows) just like y’all, but everyone knows slapping a cutesy fairy tale name on a shitty situation doesn’t make it into a cutesy fairy tale, right? Right?
